Welcome to Bangkok!

Hello! (Or สวัสดี!)

I’m Nate, and I live in Bangkok.

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know that I have mainly used it as a means to promote my music and explain my mindset when it comes to writing songs. Well I’m afraid I don’t have any new music for you for the moment. I’ve decided to go on a little adventure instead.

I still intend to write music, so if you’re one of my die-hard (and unknown) fans… hold your horses will ya? Rome wasn’t built in a day you know… But my old stuff can be found…. here:

Albums can be downloaded (for free) here:
https://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/

Or if you like your music in a visual way:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9wQQd6W9fvJh6GDp92zc2g

Before I tell you about my little change of lifestyle we must go back a little and see what led me to get here… think Christopher Nolan if you’re a little prone to dramatics like myself. Picture the scene; aspiring musician, frustrated teacher, serial monogamist, manic depressive, self defeating, self labeling, narcissistic tendencies, good intentions… but a little misguided. I moved to Manchester in a similar state, hoping to start again and ‘find myself’ as a young twenty-something. But as a nearly thirty something you shouldn’t still be fighting these battles right? You should have your character cemented into the proverbial pavement and join the ranks of acceptance I always figured… Yeah well, that didn’t happen for me.

I’ve pretty much covered my past in my previous album and it’s ramblings so if you want to check these out in more detail then i’d encourage you to scroll down a little and read some of my previous posts. But in summary… I wasn’t really a happy bunny. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty lucky in a lot of respects; great friends and family, a noble career choice in teaching. But for a lot of reasons I felt like I was just floating around and not making the most of my life.

About a year ago I met with some of my closest friends who had been on holiday to Thailand. They spoke of its beauty, its food, how easily its capital was to navigate, and how hot it was. I found myself thinking… “What am I doing freezing my ass off here in England?!” A couple of months later I ran into an old friend at a wedding, he had moved back to his home to take over his family business; a private school based in Bangkok. That’s when it all began.

So I handed my notice in at work, told the people close to me of my plans and on the 6th of April 2015 I left England. After an emotional last day, made worse by my hangover courtesy of a send off with my closest friend, packed with my essentials I flew further across the world than I’ve ever been before to the city of Bangkok… Unfortunately they left my bag in Abu Dhabi. Undeterred I filled out a lost bag form, collected some compensation money and met my friend Gong at the airport. My bag turned up 3 days later if you were interested. Unfortunately they tortured it for information regarding its desired destination:
Gong very kindly helped me get setup at an unbelievable pace. Seems like things move at a faster pace here in some respects, within a day I’d found a great place to stay with luxuries I just wouldn’t have access to in England (no not THOSE luxuries, behave yourself. I speak of the swimming pool and gym). I can’t tell you how much Gong has helped me here, and I am eternally grateful to him for his kindness and generosity… and patience whilst battling the Thai process of getting a mobile phone.

My first week in Thailand was Thai new year, or “songkran”. It’s basically a city wide water fight where everyone and everyone spends 3 days completely soaking wet. But then again, in the heat it can be quite refreshing, long as you don’t think too deeply about the source of the water. I visited my friends school and the children were getting involved in the fun.

Unless you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to imagine how crazy the water fighting really is. Not in a malicious way, but it’s just open season. Sat on a hot sweaty bus to work? No problem! Pedestrians will throw buckets of water through the windows as you pass to cool you down! On your moped speeding through the busiest street in Bangkok? Swarms of children with over sized water pistols will swarm you at the lights. Visiting the tourist areas of Bangkok for the first time? Expect to see this kind of scene (not my video, but you get the point. Apologies for the music):

By chance a friend I had recently met was in Bangkok for my first weekend so we ventured out to the infamous (depending on who you talk to) Sukhumvit Road to see the sights. We grabbed some food at one of the colossal malls:

Which have some of the most sophisticated and advanced toilets I’ve ever seen:

Until you read the fine print:

Sticking with sophistication… we visited a roof top bar:

And some more grounded places:

On the Sunday the exhaustion of flying had finally caught up with us, and we managed to oversleep by quite a long shot. When we surfaced, we deiced to do something a bit cultured and see some of the Buddhist monuments and greenery around Bangkok. Unfortunately it was organised by me and my language barrier, so we ended up at a Zoo:

All these promises of culinary treats in Thailand? No day organised by me is complete without the sorriest looking KFC you’ve ever seen:

In my defence, it was closing…. they were out of mostly everything.

I’ve been here a month now and I’m starting to get used to the ways in which things are here. The crazy traffic, the heat, the steep learning curve of living in a country with a completely different language. I’m spending my days studying the language, using the facilities to try and improve my fitness, exploring the markets for different food, trying to meet new people and share new experiences. So i thought I’d use my blog for a while to tell you my stories and opinions about being abroad… if you care to read them.

I’m in the process of sorting out the logistics of my job out here, so join me next time when Ill be talking about working life in Bangkok.

Until then know that if you’re reading this I probably miss you, and I probably think of you often.

As always.

From your Influence.
x

Surrender To The Enemy.

Welcome,

So anyone who has read my blog before will know that it’s a medium for me to explain the music that I write and give some insight into my choices for the artistic direction I use.

At least that’s what it was initially intended to be.

My last album explored my acceptance of my struggles with mental health and my journey through exploring my own demons musically. Cheery I know.

https://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/the-taste-of-iron

My music has on more than one occasion been described as ‘music to kill yourself to’. Well i’m sorry to say that I started to take that claim a little too seriously.

After finishing my last work, I was proud of it. I listened to it and felt like I could close a chapter in my life and move on from some of the things that had haunted me for a long time. Unfortunately exploring these issues had left me rather depressed and finishing the work left me without any sense of purpose. I guess I had lost sight of what was important, and lost sight of what I had to live for.

So I started writing again. Trying to articulate and create something out of what I was feeling whilst in state of limbo. I’ve sat on these songs for a couple of months and waited to see if anything else would come out, but to no avail. So I’ve decided to release it as it stands.

I present to you, ‘Surrender To The Enemy’:

https://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/surrender-to-the-enemy

It’s a statement about giving up, losing purpose and ultimately feeling like you have nothing to live for. I don’t intend to say anything else about the songs on an individual basis, the project comes as a package and is open to interpretation. As with all my music I recommend you download it for free and ask that you share it if you enjoy it.

I’ve decided to go away for a while. In all honesty, I don’t know when I will be coming back. Life had become a bit meaning less for me and I realized that I needed to make some big changes. I’m happy to say that I’ve started to put those changes into place.

I already have plans for my project; and you’ll be glad to hear. It’s something positive.

Watch this space.

From Your Influence…

xxx

This Will Never Stop.

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I am bipolar.

This Will Never Stop:

Lyrics:
“This will never stop.
The journeys everlasting,
This road was made for testing,
Everything I am.

I’m standing at the bottom trying to plan my path,
The hill is so steep, should I cry or laugh?
A sudden urgency becomes me,
I can see the way so clearly,
I drop the weight and then I start to run,
This is how I lose control, have I have my fun,
Just you try to keep up.

This is where I was always meant to be,
Suddenly I’m free from pain and misery
This will never end,
At last the great ascend,
Let it run it’s path
Lets run this path,
Lets run this path down.

The winds against me but I keep my stride,
There’s nothing to fear now, nothing to hide,
Everything seems slow when you’re moving so fast,
You gotta keep up the pace if nothing ever lasts,
Don’t you try to warn me, don’t you tell me stop,
I’ve done this before and I’m going to the top,
You can try to chain me, try to shame me,
try to blame me for the way that I am.
There’s no slowing down once I’ve begun,
There’s no consequence for all that I’ve done.

This is where I was always meant to be,
Suddenly I’m free from pain and misery
This will never end,
At last the great ascend,
Let it run it’s path
Lets run this path,
Lets run this path down.

It’s all good and well til I go too high.
Confusion sets in and all I hear is why.

Standing on the edge, I’m on uncertain ground,
I realise I’ve lost more than I’ve found,
I can never go back, I tore it all down,
While I laughed and I commanded,
I destroyed and I demanded,
I’m on the edge and I’ve lost my grip,
I bow my head and I prepare to slip.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.

I know this will never stop.”

I woke up on Saturday morning to a phone call of a friend. I was still intoxicated from the night before and confused to why he was ringing me. I assured him was fine and quickly ended the phone call before discovering I had woke up in a pool of my own blood, I checked myself for injury and found that my foot had been cut by something. I looked at my phone to see it had numerous messages and missed calls from many different people. I don’t know why, but I thought it was hilarious. I lay there laughing manically covered in red before struggling to make it to my feet to start clearing up the mess I had made the previous night. I crawled down stairs and made it into my study where I found my clothes, and a shoe wet with my blood. I sat there, and the laughs turned to sobs as I tried to piece together what I had done.

The day previously we had gone for drinks with the members of my work I can actually stand, and we had laughed, drank, eaten and it had been a good night. It ended with me putting the other last survivor into a taxi and me saying I was going home. But of course I didn’t.

I’d like to tell you exactly what I did. But I’m not a trustworthy witness. What I do know is this:

1) I drank more alcohol,
2) I sent a ‘poetic’ (or idiotic) message to my work crew about all that is wrong with the education system, and then told them to fuck off when they didn’t respond in the way I wanted them to
3) I wandered the streets/bars of Manchester for 4 hours.
4) I stood on a piece of glass which went through my shoe and into my foot.
5) I walked home with said piece of glass repeatedly cutting my foot.
6) I wrote myself a series of abusive messages for myself to read when I woke up.

Of course this is all a lot to do with the effects of alcohol. But my life generally revolves around a cycle of me doing this kind of thing. Something like this:

Too much alcohol  > reckless insomniac manic > feelings of guilt and shame for what I’ve done whilst manic > ruminating on this guilt > a downward spiral into feelings of worthlessness > hypersomnia to escape the self torture of my own brain > wanting to kill myself > loss of identity > reevaluation of life > trying to start again with a healthy lifestyle.

Then it all starts again. This will never stop.

I try to manage it, but I don’t handle stress very well. I’m not very resilient. This song is about this very process and my acceptance that this is the way I am. The first half of the lyrics how I feel when I am manic, eventually getting to the point where I realise there are in fact consequences to my selfish actions and slip into a depression.

I don’t expect people to understand, but it’s taken it’s toll on me. I’ve tried everything I can (besides the medication, which I refuse to take) to manage it, but because a lot of it is internal I’ve become quite good at hiding away and hiding how i’m feeling. Hence why I’ve tried to be so brutally honest with this album.

This set of 14 songs has been my project for the past two years. I’ve done some serious soul searching and tried to reveal every one of my demons within the music. The songs are purposefully in the order in which the cycle of my life has become and the last noise on the album is identical to the first to indicate the fact that it is in fact a cycle.

And it’s finally finished.

I present to you:

The Taste of Iron.

https://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/the-taste-of-iron

It is completely free. Just enter the price of which you want to pay for it. If you feel it’s worth something then that’s great, any money I make from this, I put back into the music I make, so if you are a fan and you want to fund the next album, that is a way to do it.

Rather than pay for it though. I’d rather you do something else for me. Just listen to it. Just make some time to put it on and listen to the album as a whole. It’s intended to be heard in one sitting. I know you’re all very busy, but maybe on a commute or a walk/run. Even better, if you actually like it, share it with a friend… or hell all of your friends on Facebook.

I hope you enjoy it. I’d like to say I enjoyed making it… but it’s almost killed me :P.

Almost…

I’d like to share with you some numbers:

While I’ve been sharing the songs they have been played over 800 times.
The blog has been viewed 541 times from over 11 different countries.

I’m not quite sure how that has happened. But I thank you for reading/listening and sharing. You’re ever so kind.

I’ve got some ideas for my next project. But I can’t say how long it will take before I’m ready to reveal. I’m gonna take some time off first.

Until then,

From your influence,

Nate Rose.

x

There’s Hope…

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I have hope.

There’s Hope:

Lyrics:

“Even in the darkest times there’s hope.
Don’t be blinded by what is brightest.

There’s hope. There’s always hope.”

Dreams. We all have them. They get us through our ‘mediocre’ existences and give us hope for the future. We all wish to be more than we are, to have more than we own and to achieve more than we have through some means. Though sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We tend to set ourselves new goals almost as soon as we achieve our past ones and not take the time to soak in at all the positive things we have achieved. At least I know I do.

Sometimes in a crowded place I stop for a minute and look at all the people around me. It fascinates me that everyone is running around in their own little bubble. We all have our stories, our problems, our dreams and our futures. All of which can change in a moment of coincidence or misfortune. We all are born selfish and do very little to change that. Our friends come and leave due to their own circumstances. Our partners mean everything for a while and then become nothing but memories. Secrets are kept, and honesty is selective. We put our faith into things we have no evidence for, yet don’t believe what is in front of our faces.  Everything is beautiful and profound, yet meaningless and pointless. Miracles are ignored, tragedies are forgotten. Such is the way of the world.

There are moments of beauty in this world. That I cannot deny. We are all capable of extraordinary kindnesses, of being selfless and helping one another. Here’s one I saw recently:

When I see something such as this, I think maybe… just maybe there’s hope.

Join me next time when Ill be discussing how this will never stop.

As always,
From your influence,
xxx

Irreversible/Chastised

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I experience trauma.

Irreversible:

Chastised:

Lyrics: for you to discover and interpret.

I’m a big fan of a good old swear. Yet sometimes I have been guilty of offending people. Under closer inspection, are these words really that bad? The ‘worst’ of them (for most) are named after sexual reproductive organs and the act of sex itself… and let’s face it… we all enjoy those things from time to time. Yet how was the traffic today? Murderous… oh deary me. How was your shopping trip at the weekend? A nightmare?… what a shame. Your insurance company are raping you?! Oh well.

My point I hear you ask? We as a society tend to trivalise certain matters, and get offended about the ones that really, don’t fucking matter. (Cheers Fry).

I’m not going to discuss the events that lead to my trauma, that’s where the line is drawn for me on this path of honesty. However, I don’t mind sharing with you the effects of it. These two songs (or pieces of music in the case of the first) are trying to express just that, as well as my interest in the darker side of art. Trauma is described as followed:

“Trauma, which means “wound” in Greek, ^[1] is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one’s ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. ^[2] A traumatic event involves one experience, or repeating events with the sense of being overwhelmed that can be delayed by weeks, years, or even decades as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances, eventually leading to serious, long-term negative consequences, often overlooked even by mental health professionals: “If clinicians fail to look through a trauma lens and to conceptualize client problems as related possibly to current or past trauma, they may fail to see that trauma victims, young and old, organize much of their lives around repetitive patterns of reliving and warding off traumatic memories, reminders, and affects.” ^[3]”

Essentially: something shit happens, and you can’t get over it.

Throw this in with my previously discussed habits… have lead to some very dark times. Subsequently I’m a big fan of ‘dark’ media. Films that show traumatic events and the effects of them on people, books that tell stories of people going through psychological difficulties, and art that shows suffering. Sadistic? No. Masochistic? Possibly. Empathetic? Most definitely.

When I went to see the fantastic, ’27 Years a Slave’, about 30 minutes into the film, at a quite violent scene of torture, a middle aged couple in the row in front of me stood up and walked out of the cinema. That offended me more than any film I have ever seen. First of all; what did you think was going to happen? If you really can’t bring yourself to watch brutality, don’t go to see a film about slavery. Secondly, don’t walk out because it’s too much for you and then blame the film makers for making it too violent. That kind of thing happens every single day, and if it’s happening to you… you can’t just stand up and walk away.

People in the past have questioned why I would want to watch disturbing and sometimes violent films, and I always maintain that, from time to time, it’s important viewing. Not particularly enjoyable, but important. I’m not talking about ‘Saw 5’, or ‘The Human Centipede’ or any other form of torture porn. But I mean such films as:

Irreversible (in my opinion the best of these):

Shame:

Martyrs:

A Serbian Film (to a certain extent):

These films show not only how brutal life can be, but how selfishly people can act, and how cruel and sadistic we all have the capability to be. Some people claim media such as this will actually lead to people replicating awful crimes… But non of the films I’m talking about glorify such actions. Let’s not forget how these atrocious acts are still committed day to day, and yet we ignore and make jokes of them. When that all stops, maybe we won’t need to use artistic nature to create such ‘disgusting’ things. Until then: sit down, open your eyes to the bigger picture, gain some empathy and respect for people who have been through a tunnel of shit and came out cleaner the other side (Cheers Freeman/King).

I really do believe that the best thing you can do when going through dark times, is to take it and use it. Use it to make you stronger, try to deal with it in any adaptive way you can. I also believe a lot of these films, books, pictures and in this case, pieces of music come from a triumph over something traumatic. That is why I indulge in it.

Join me next time when i’ll be discussing how there’s always hope.

As always,
From your influence.
xxx

Hollowed

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I suffer from depression.

Hollowed:

Lyrics:

‘I’m finally face to face with my sadness,
Contorting and twisting my madness.
I stab myself and open the wound,
My happiness leaks out,
I look at my reflection but I don’t recognise who’s there.
Just an empty shell of a man I once was proud of, someone no-one could ever love
just hollow eyes, and a matching hollow soul.
I’d rethink the location of my harm if I wasn’t convinced that I deserved such misery
That death was far too kind for me,
So Ill suffer myself until I find something worth my pain,
something worth the heartache,
Something I can call my own.

I fucking hate you,
Just look at you.
Look what you’ve become.
A slave to your demons.
They’ve beaten you.
They’ve left you empty.
So embrace their nature,
and scream your welcomes.
There’s places I’ve been I wish no-one to see,
There’s feelings I feel I wish only for me.
There’s places I’ve been I’ve made only for me.
There’s feelings I feel I wish only for me,
There’s places I’ve been I wish no-one to see.

These feelings I feel I wish only for me.’

My last blog for the previous album stopped when I talked about depression. I spoke about it in quite a unemphatic manner. Stating that we should be more proactive in our lives, be thankful that we live in a developed country with choices and that our problems are trivial. That’s all very good and well in theory, but the problem is; depression doesn’t care about that.

It doesn’t care about what you have, or how lucky you are. It doesn’t care about your choices, advantages and privileges. It doesn’t care about the family and friends you have around you, the house you have and the things you own. All it cares about is what you have lost, what you don’t have and just how useless, pathetic and worthless you are. I think to a certain degree we all have our ups and downs, but I think certain people are more susceptible to the lows. I know my emotional threshold is quite low; I get down quite easily and quite often. That I can deal with, but when I get really low… well, you read the lyrics.

I am a very lucky man. I have friends and family of the highest caliber, and I know that they are there for me at any time I need them. Quite often when I talk about my lows people tell me I should have rang them, or let them know somehow. I always respond the same way, “I know, but I never will”. The state of mind would never allow me to. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t even want to get out of bed, I just want to sleep and stop my brain reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made, of how worthless I am, and how the future is looking even worse than the past. I can’t speak for everyone’s experience of it, as I am sure everyone experiences it differently. But when I feel low, I feel chained to the ground, everything is nigh on impossible, even the thought of making a meal or making a phone call seems unachievable. My personality feels drained and everything seems grey. Nothing I love seems to bring me any joy and everyone seems like an enemy. It really is a horrible and desperate state of mind.

I wrote this song in one of my more recent lows. It wasn’t even meant to be a song. That was the only thing I did that day. I woke up, lay in my bed for most of the day, wrote that, and then lay waiting until I was tired again with all of that going through my head. For any of you fellow geeks out there. The term ‘hollowed’ I stole from one of my favourite video games series (‘Dark Souls’):

It’s a terribly challenging (but rewarding) experience that is dark, depressing and seems impossible to progress at times. You have to really work hard to make baby steps in this game. But when you do, boy does it give you a buzz. The games to me became a little bit of an analogy for depression itself because of what I have just mentioned it, in fact when playing the latest edition to the series I thought to myself “If I can beat this bloody game I can do anything!”. To my surprise I beat it. I was ecstatic. But after the credits rolled. I was returned to the starting area with a new challenge ahead of me “New game plus” (for all you non geeks out there… that is the equivalent of realizing your Dad was letting you win all those years). I laughed, almost manically, at the realisation. I’m never going to beat depression, it’s always going to come back bigger and stronger. But I need to do the same.

A lot of people have been outspoken recently about the coverage of the death of Robin Williams. A few people were in the opinion that he was selfish to take his own life because of depression, and it surprised me and made me happy to see that people defended him. Here was a man who quit drinking, drugs, went through rehab, had a phenomenally successful career (most of which involved making people happy) and did a LOT of work for charity. That to me, is a successful life. I applaud him, everything he he did, every mistake he made and every time he beat depression. However, it scares me that in the end, it beat him. Let’s remember him for what he did, what he achieved and what he was:

I’m sure a lot of you that have read these blogs or heard my music will have considered how self indulgent it all is, this album in particular. But you must understand, I’m trying everything I can not to let my condition dictate my life. I try to direct it all into something artistic, something that maybe people can appreciate and identify with. Something that I can get lost in for hours and rather than wallow in my sadness all day long I can try to create something out of it. Yes it’s miserable, inaccessible, rough around the edges and it will never be popular, revered or make me famous. But it is a piece of me. A battle I won and I want to celebrate that with you. Ill always make music; not because I want to make money off it or be in the spotlight, but because I have to. I need to. I wouldn’t be here without it. So thanks for listening and reading.

Please keep the comments coming in any form you wish. I am grateful for all the messages and support I’ve received whilst working on the album/blog.

Join me next time when I’ll be discussing things that can’t be unseen.

As always,

From your influence,

xxx

I Just Want to Sleep

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I just want to sleep.

Lyrics:

“I just want to sleep”

Join me next time when I wake up.

As always,

From Your Influence
xxx

The Truth Is…

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I have a tendency to stretch the truth.

The Truth Is…:

Lyrics:
“The truth is… what I tell you it is,
a tired story no-one wants to read.
I’ve taken my time, twisted words to my advantage,
There’s so little truth I don’t know what to salvage.

I wish it were stranger than fiction,
I longed for my lies to come true,
But I lost track, I can’t keep going back.
I’m victim to my contradiction.

There’s only one victim here,
Screaming for attention.
But when the smoke is clear,
Your truth is my fiction.

The truth is… not what you believe,
Not what they say, but somewhere in between,
They’ve twisted my words, at their discretion,
Just give me one chance, to speak my confession.

It’s so much stranger than fiction,
The stories they tell seem so real,
My ghosts came back to haunt me,
And now I’m begging to reveal.

There’s only one victim here,
Screaming for attention.
But when the smoke is clear,
Your truth is their fiction.

A cut from Ocham’s razor stills my tongue,
The lies of which I tell you are coming undone.

Nothing I say has meaning at all,
When the webs I’ve weaved start to fall,
I wish I could tell you my true intention.
That your truth is my invention.

The truth is…”

Since starting this blog certain people have been quick to applaud me of my honesty. Often people have said that they they wouldn’t be able to be so honest about their own fears and problems. What is important to understand however, is that this new found virtue of mine is still being earned. I have not always been honest. In fact, there have been times where I have told downright lies for nothing more than my own personal gain. It stems from a deep rooted insecurity. Any lies I told were not of malicious intent, but to gain popularity and really were a cry for people to like me. Maybe if people liked me then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and who I was. The problem is, even if people do like that version of yourself, it’s still not who you are.

I wasn’t a popular child. For one reason or another it took me until I was in my late years of my school career to find a friendship group that I felt at home within. Due to this I developed a habit of telling stories that were not mine to tell. Maybe I’d heard them from somebody more popular and used them within a different crowd, or maybe I’d just constructed them from my own vivid imagination. In other cases I would pretend to like things I didn’t just to be liked, or said I’d done things to impress my peers. This is forgivable of a child. But not when one carries this tendency into adulthood.

Then my early twenties hit me, and I started experiencing hypomania. For all those who have read my earlier posts, I apologise for repeating myself but here is a definition of this state:

“a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state. It is most often associated with the bipolar spectrum. Many who are in a hypomanic state are extremely energetic, talkative, and confident. They may have a flight of ideas and feel creative. Many people also experience signature hypersexuality. While hypomania often generates productivity and creativity, it can become troublesome if the subject engages in risky behaviors. It is generally less severe than full mania.”

Mania is addictive, selfish, impulsive and destructive. You feel complete and indestructible. Colours are brighter, music is more meaning full, love is overwhelming and the world is your playground, if only it could keep up with you. Unfortunately it leads to you making some rather selfish choices and not caring about the consequences of these. I have been deceitful to friends and partners and acted in purely narcissistic ways. I have been arrogant and conceited and then worst of all; due to my earlier mentioned habits I have lied about my actions.

“A cut from Ocham’s razor stills my tongue,
The lies of which I tell you are coming undone.”

Ocham’s razor states that:
The simplest explanation is most often the most true. When people lie, they tend to go too far, lose track of their lies. If it sounds too good to be true; it’s false. This was me all over. But in the long run, people can see through you, you’re never as smart as you think you are, and when all is said and not done… you’re left alone with your dishonesty, a sense of guilt and the feeling that maybe… just maybe you deserve all the pain and emptiness that you feel.

I am not proud of the things that I’ve done in the past, the people that I have hurt and the people I have lied to. The specifics are too numerous and pointless to mention here. But know In more recent times I have tried to make amends, give overdue apologies to the people that were owed them. Moreover I have tried to change. I’m trying to be honest, maybe at my own detriment. But It’s about time.

Join me next time when I’ll be discussing my sleep habits.

As always,

From Your Influence.

xxx

Shame

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I have an addictive personality.

Shame:

This one has a (low budget) video if you’re interested:

Lyrics:

“I’m addicted to the shame, though avoiding all the blame.
It takes over all I do, in this moment all I need is you.
I need you to make me feel alive, give some meaning to my life.
Come and take away my pain, come give reason for my shame.

Just know that this lust is the reason I’m breathing.
Temptation takes over, it’s got it’s claws in me, and it’s aching for release.

Come give reason for my shame.

You know damn well I’ll find a way, to try and hide it all away,
cover with more of the same, but i’m the one who’s suffering.
It’s something I can’t seem to change, so just let me have my way,
Come and take away my pain, come give reason for my shame.

Just know that this lust is the reason I’m breathing.
Temptation takes over, it’s got it’s claws in me, and it’s aching for release.

Come give reason for my shame.

And when all is said and done, when all the lust has gone,
I’m naked and alone with nothing and no one,
I’m cradled like a child, with nothing left inside,
There’s nothing left to hide when you’ve gone and lost your pride.
So come treat me like a whore, it’s all I’m good for,
Add to my pain, come give reason for my shame.

Come give reason for my shame.”

I studied psychology at university, and one of the modules I studied was regarding addictive behaviours. The lecturer opened by telling us that addiction is a term that is over used. That to be addicted to something your body had to be dependent on it, so therefore you couldn’t be addicted to chocolate for instance, because your body would never be chemically dependent on that. An interesting point, but misguided I do believe.

For everything there is a reaction. Surely when we do something pleasurable we receive a rush of pleasure due to the chemical reactions in our brain? Endorphin’s released, adrenaline fix, serotonin overload. This can lead to conditioning in our behaviour. We all want to be happy. We all want the biggest reward for the least possible effort, at least for the short term.

I very easily get consumed by things. Whether it be a T.V. series, a new video game, a new relationship, a drink or something a little stronger. I always have done. I spent my G.C.S.E. revision time racking up 100’s of hours on Final Fantasy X. I watched prison break in one setting. The first day I played a guitar I played it for 10 hours until my fingers were raw and I couldn’t move them. The first time I fell in love it was ALL I could think about, for the entire 4 months…. and 2 years after.

However in recent years there have been few things that I have found myself consistently consumed by. One is music; I spend hours upon hours pouring everything I have into these songs for no real reward except a sense of personal satisfaction. When I start my mind is completely devoured by it; I forget to eat, I don’t look at my phone, I’ve been known to begrudge going to the toilet… thankfully that is my limit. Nobody wants to read the blog entry where I discuss the time I accidentally shat myself whilst perfecting that drum beat (or more likely, everyone wants to read that entry… WELL IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN)!.

The other thing that I’ve found myself consumed by is… well lets just say lust is my sin. The lyrics of the song explain what I want to say about this really. Once desire hits you it’s quite easy to shelf your principles to one side in order to get what you want. That is until your desire has been met, and you’re left feeling empty and very much alone.

The song is named after the film of the same name. Which I feel really shows the effects of addiction, even to something that may be seen as trivial. I recommend you check it out:

Don’t be thinking I’m labeling myself as a sex addict here. I have never considered myself as fully addicted to anything. I’ve always managed to pull myself back from going too deep. But I’ve had my moments. I’ve earned my shame.

Making mistakes is fine. It’s how we learn. But when we make the same mistake repeatedly, well… shame on me. What’s worse is when we lie about our mistakes… something that I’m not proud to say I’ve done.

Join me next time when I’ll be telling you what the truth is.

As always,
From Your Influence.
x x x

There’s No Such Thing as a Dutch Coward

For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I drink too much.

There’s No Such Thing as a Dutch Coward.

Lyrics:

‘From the first sip, I know i’m in trouble.
I’m seeing the future, I think I’m seeing double,
I shouldn’t have started but now I can’t stop,
So don’t be shy now, Ill have the lot.

Yeah ill have another,
Ill stay for one more,
Hey where you going?
Can’t you see I need more?
No need for an occasion,
No cause to celebrate,
Forget where your supposed to be,
You can be late.

We meet again,
Hey everyone’s got their vices,
Yeah. Ill drink to that.
So raise your glass,
drop your jaw,
Keep it coming til we’re on the floor.

It’s already begun so we might as well finish,
You provide the fuel and ill make it vanish,
Drink to remember, Drink to forget.
It’s no fun when your sober, and we’re not started yet.

We meet again,
Hey everyone’s got their vices,
Yeah. Ill drink to that.
So raise your glass,
drop your jaw,
Keep it coming til we’re on the floor.

Over the top and past the limit,
Once an empty vessel but I’m trying to fill it.
Bottoms up, down the hat,
Til I’m bursting at the seams, but I wanted to detach.

We meet again,
Hey everyone’s got there vices,
Yeah. Ill drink to that.
So raise your glass,
and drop your jaw,
Keep it coming til we’re on the floor.

We meet again,
Hey everyone’s got their vices,
Yeah. Ill drink to that.
So raise your glass,
and drop your jaw,
Keep it coming til we’re on the floor.

Over the top and past the limit,
Once an empty vessel but I’m trying to fill it.’

I remember the first time I got drunk. Kind of. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but I was definitely too young. I’d watched my peers drink themselves stupid for the past couple of years, and I’d never quite understood it. It was a sunny weekend afternoon at a friends birthday BBQ and there were plenty of drinks being passed around. I remember getting halfway through a glass of white lightning and I felt something. My vision was slightly blurred, I felt warm inside and I thought “Fuck it.” I downed the rest of it. The rest of my memory of that night is hazy. I remember wandering around, people were laughing, but I had their attention so I didn’t care. In my head I like to think it was like the infamous ‘Smack my bitch up’ video:

But in reality it was probably more like this:

My memory came back to me whilst throwing toilet roll over my rival school with some of my mates… and one of them asked me, “How was your first time Nate?”
“Bloody brilliant.” I replied whilst i lobbed the toilet roll over the arch of the entrance… yeah, take that Mount Grace High School.

I don’t have a dependency on alcohol, let’s make that clear. But when I drink, I usually drink far… far too much. It’s a bit of the English culture ingrained in me, it’s what we grew up doing, start as you mean to go on and all that jazz. You go out for one drink and seven hours later I’m hanging onto the bus hand rail for dear life, using all my concentration to not vomit. I’m your typical social binge drinker who doesn’t know when to stop once he’s started. This is the lyrical inspiration for the song.

Jim Jefferies is one of my favorite comedians, he reckons, “If you don’t drink, you’re boring and all your stories are shit. They end the same way; ‘and then we went home’.” There’s probably some truth in that, some of my best stories are from drunken moments of idiocy. Like the time I got dropped off outside my house, got out the wrong side of the taxi, inexplicably got lost and had to Google maps my way home. Or the time I woke up naked, but in my coat. I think we’re all guilty of overindulging sometimes, but the problem for me is it makes me manic. If I’m in a particular low mood for an extended period of time, I’ve been known to drink to induce mania, it’s a much better feeling than self loathing.

I am bipolar type 2. So I don’t actually experience full blown mania, but hypo-mania (hypo coming from Latin meaning under or below so literally ‘below mania’). It can be described as,

“a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state. It is most often associated with the bipolar spectrum. Many who are in a hypomanic state are extremely energetic, talkative, and confident. They may have a flight of ideas and feel creative. Many people also experience signature hypersexuality. While hypomania often generates productivity and creativity, it can become troublesome if the subject engages in risky behaviors. It is generally less severe than full mania.”

Couple that with the effects of alcohol and said risky behaviour becomes much more likely. I’ve been punched more times than I remember because I can’t keep my mouth shut whilst drunk, most of the time i don’t think I deserved it, but I’m a victim of my own mischief. I’m going to discuss hypo-mania further in a later blog, as I have written songs that cover this more specifically. But I’d like to share a story with you to give some clarity,

I was out once with a couple of friends, we’d been out most of the night and subsequently we were in a bit of a state. I was king of the world, dancing my ass off and trying to converse with anyone who would listen, and I suddenly realized that I’d been left alone. I wandered outside to find my friends, whilst putting my plastic glass in my back pocket to sneak it past the bouncers. I saw one of my good friends conversing with a stranger, and it looked like it was a somewhat confrontational encounter. I approach the two and remember I had my a glass in my pocket containing red bull and some vodka. Now in a manic state, I think everything is funny. At this particular moment I thought it would be hilarious to chuck the glass of red bull over this guy and say, “Hope it gives you some wings so you can FUCK OFF”. I start laughing manically, and before I know it I’ve thrown my drink over this poor guy. My friends looked at me with dropped jaws, the guys mates look at me, and i’m laughing like a madman, if someone had of done that to me in that moment, i’d be directing a high five in their direction for their hilarious comedic genius. He didn’t see the funny side. Neither did his mates. On another note, my good friend ran off got lost on a motorway, picked up by a random stranger and dropped off at our flat before exclaiming “WHOOOOOOOOO I made it” and taking all his clothes off whilst he told me of his journey. Just another Tuesday evening.

I don’t mean to be confrontation, reckless and a bit of a plonker. I just think everything is a joke in that state of mind. To borrow from one of my hero’s:

It’s a very addictive feeling, You feel free from worries and self doubt, confident and creative, charismatic and excitable, and in those weeks that I am on an up, I can be very productive if I can stop myself from getting too high. There’s no consequence, you are in the moment and that’s all that matters. and  But usually I do go too high and it usually ends in a moment of recklessness that leads to confrontation or something that I will beat myself up about later. Justifiably so, it could be argued.

It’s at this point where the album is going to take a turn to the dark side. My most prominent demons are open for discussion in the next couple of blog entries. It’s going to be very self indulgent (as always), and there may be some scenes that some viewers may find disturbing. But if you’re curious join me next time when Ill be discussing addiction, lust and insatiability, and the shame that comes with it.

Until then,
From your influence,
xxx