Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:
http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/
But otherwise…
I’m Nate, and I have a tendency to stretch the truth.
The Truth Is…:
Lyrics:
“The truth is… what I tell you it is,
a tired story no-one wants to read.
I’ve taken my time, twisted words to my advantage,
There’s so little truth I don’t know what to salvage.
I wish it were stranger than fiction,
I longed for my lies to come true,
But I lost track, I can’t keep going back.
I’m victim to my contradiction.
There’s only one victim here,
Screaming for attention.
But when the smoke is clear,
Your truth is my fiction.
The truth is… not what you believe,
Not what they say, but somewhere in between,
They’ve twisted my words, at their discretion,
Just give me one chance, to speak my confession.
It’s so much stranger than fiction,
The stories they tell seem so real,
My ghosts came back to haunt me,
And now I’m begging to reveal.
There’s only one victim here,
Screaming for attention.
But when the smoke is clear,
Your truth is their fiction.
A cut from Ocham’s razor stills my tongue,
The lies of which I tell you are coming undone.
Nothing I say has meaning at all,
When the webs I’ve weaved start to fall,
I wish I could tell you my true intention.
That your truth is my invention.
The truth is…”
Since starting this blog certain people have been quick to applaud me of my honesty. Often people have said that they they wouldn’t be able to be so honest about their own fears and problems. What is important to understand however, is that this new found virtue of mine is still being earned. I have not always been honest. In fact, there have been times where I have told downright lies for nothing more than my own personal gain. It stems from a deep rooted insecurity. Any lies I told were not of malicious intent, but to gain popularity and really were a cry for people to like me. Maybe if people liked me then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself and who I was. The problem is, even if people do like that version of yourself, it’s still not who you are.
I wasn’t a popular child. For one reason or another it took me until I was in my late years of my school career to find a friendship group that I felt at home within. Due to this I developed a habit of telling stories that were not mine to tell. Maybe I’d heard them from somebody more popular and used them within a different crowd, or maybe I’d just constructed them from my own vivid imagination. In other cases I would pretend to like things I didn’t just to be liked, or said I’d done things to impress my peers. This is forgivable of a child. But not when one carries this tendency into adulthood.
Then my early twenties hit me, and I started experiencing hypomania. For all those who have read my earlier posts, I apologise for repeating myself but here is a definition of this state:
“a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state. It is most often associated with the bipolar spectrum. Many who are in a hypomanic state are extremely energetic, talkative, and confident. They may have a flight of ideas and feel creative. Many people also experience signature hypersexuality. While hypomania often generates productivity and creativity, it can become troublesome if the subject engages in risky behaviors. It is generally less severe than full mania.”
Mania is addictive, selfish, impulsive and destructive. You feel complete and indestructible. Colours are brighter, music is more meaning full, love is overwhelming and the world is your playground, if only it could keep up with you. Unfortunately it leads to you making some rather selfish choices and not caring about the consequences of these. I have been deceitful to friends and partners and acted in purely narcissistic ways. I have been arrogant and conceited and then worst of all; due to my earlier mentioned habits I have lied about my actions.
“A cut from Ocham’s razor stills my tongue,
The lies of which I tell you are coming undone.”
Ocham’s razor states that:
The simplest explanation is most often the most true. When people lie, they tend to go too far, lose track of their lies. If it sounds too good to be true; it’s false. This was me all over. But in the long run, people can see through you, you’re never as smart as you think you are, and when all is said and not done… you’re left alone with your dishonesty, a sense of guilt and the feeling that maybe… just maybe you deserve all the pain and emptiness that you feel.
I am not proud of the things that I’ve done in the past, the people that I have hurt and the people I have lied to. The specifics are too numerous and pointless to mention here. But know In more recent times I have tried to make amends, give overdue apologies to the people that were owed them. Moreover I have tried to change. I’m trying to be honest, maybe at my own detriment. But It’s about time.
Join me next time when I’ll be discussing my sleep habits.
As always,
From Your Influence.
xxx
fromyourinfluence 