Welcome,
I’m Nate, and I have problems with mental health.
There… I said it.
Ever since I was a child I remember looking in the mirror and not being satisfied with the person that was looking back at me. I’ve gone through so many self help books I’m sure I could write one, I’ve had counseling, a year of cognitive behavioral therapy, a brain scan and psychological testing… and I’m still at a loss with some of my problems. Despite chasing all these avenues, the only thing that has really ever helped me is writing music. I’m not a skilled musician, I’ve never had any lessons or formal education in music, in fact I didn’t pick up an instrument until I was 21. I’ve been in a couple of choirs and read a library of books on what I needed to know to create the sounds that were in my head. The product is ‘From Your Influence…’
I am a lucky lucky man. Make no mistake. I have a wonderful family, great friends and privileges that a lot do not. From Your Influence started as a testament to everything that has inspired me, mainly the people that I love. But it has become a sort of therapy for me. It’s one of the only places where I feel I can let myself go and actually be honest. I truly believe the best thing someone can do with negative energy is try and turn it into something that could be considered as positive.The latest result of this is my latest collection of songs entitled ‘The Taste of Iron’. It’s self indulgent, it’s rough around the edges, it’s dramatic and over the top, it’s the purest version of me you will find.
I want to share it with you. I want to share it with anyone who wants to listen. I’m sure there are people out there fighting their own battles, and if they could identify with the music, then maybe it could help them as it has me. Of course I have selfish reasons for sharing too, I want people to appreciate that this is something I have poured myself into. Something I have spent hundreds of hours writing, recording and tweaking. I want to make amends for my mistake, confess my transgressions and hopefully depart with some of the issues that have hung over me for so long.
If you care to take this journey with me then I thank you. You have my appreciation, gratitude and love for even taking an interest.
Bare in mind the songs are all demo’s. Think of them as a drafts. I would love some feedback. If you listen to a song and love one bit and hate another, tell me. I’ll take it into consideration in the final mix and credit you for the changes.
The albums subject content covers the following subjects:
Identity problems,
Domestic abuse,
Substance Abuse,
Sex addiction,
Insomnia/Hypersomnia,
Isolation/being incapable of being alone,
Lies,
Self torture/intrusive thoughts,
Depression,
Mania,
and Hope.
Hardly a pop record then.
My experience of these subjects may not be what you think it is from reading that list, so don’t be too quick to judge me before reading my description of the song covered in this blog.
The first song on the album set’s the mood, here it is:
Lyrics:
“I’m sick, there’s something inside me not quite right,
everything I have is now tainted with my spite.
So you, can take what you want and leave behind,
all the hatred that’s torturing my mind.
But don’t leave, there’s things here you really have to see,
Leave too soon and you’ll miss the worst of me.
Open your eyes, and look, don’t turn your head away,
these things you fear I suffer every day.
There’s nothing you can say to make it better,
Nothing you can do to change my mind,
I’m chasing the wrong kind of fixture,
I’m looking for something I just can’t find.
I know, you didn’t expect what I hide so well,
When you’re one of a kind who the fuck you supposed to tell,
So we can keep on pretending all is find,
Ill smile and laugh and keep it all inside,
Just know, this always has been, this always will be,
The never changing essence at the heart of me,
I know I deserve everything I get,
It’s self inflicted, don’t you ever forget.
I’ve bitten my tongue for far too long,
I’m hiding my self under false intentions,
The taste of iron fills my mouth,
I’m suffering from forced discretion,
I can’t deny this, I’ve got to stop hiding,
The more i’m trying I can feel myself dying,
I’m not who you think I am.”
Originally the album was going to be called, ‘The Taste of Iron from a thousand bitten tongues’. But I decided against it. Mostly because it sounds shit…. but also because I felt it was too obvious. The Taste of Iron is simply a statement that I feel the subject of mental health (my own and otherwise) still has a massive stigma attached to it. People are quite happy to share their stories of physical illnesses, but with mental health we all keep it locked away in our houses. Maybe we like it that way, it’s a nice place to visit when our ego needs boosting or squashing. But I think it’s about time we were more honest with it.
In 2005 after a bout of depression I visited my doctors and it was suggested that I may be bipolar. Essentially bipolar means you’re a bit more moody than the average person. You can have periods of depression and mania (an elated energetic mood). Anyone who’s known me more than a month can see I fit that description.
The song itself is trying to say how I feel about my mental condition. Day to day I just get on with life and try to ignore my negative/elated mindset. But from time to time, it does get the best of me. One day I can barely bring myself to get out of bed for thoughts of just how useless I am, and yet the next I could be arrogant, impulsive, productive… but reckless… with a disregard for anyone else or the consequences that follow. But they do follow, and often come back to haunt me sending me back into a depressive state. The cycle continues. It’s hard to swallow some of the guilt that comes with self inflicted problems. It’s also very hard to explain to somebody why I threw that plate out the window, or went on a 24-hour bender without getting in contact.
I’m a very silly boy at times.
Stephen Fry is quite open with his bipolar label, and he describes it wonderfully.But then again he does so with everything:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKiAz6ndUbU”
If you have listened to my music before you’ll notice this is quite different to the acoustic whine fest I usually write. It’s now a more of an electronic whine fest! Hoorah for technology! Allowing me to manifest my whining in different ways. I’ve always loved electronic music, in fact one of the first credible albums I owned was ‘Remedy’ by Basement Jaxx. A lot of the songs on this album have a heavy electronic spin on them, so if you’re not into that type of noise, you might not like it. But stick around, I do get my guitar out in the next song (not a euphemism, you filthy minded pervert).
Also like to winge? Feel free to share your comments here. Like to create art out of spoons? Great, link it in the comments below. Think that the base drum is too high in the mix? Share your constructive criticism with me and ill consider changing it before mixing the finished product with your name on the credits. But it’s probably those shit headphones you bought….
Until next time,
From Your Influence always,
Nate
XXX
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