I Don’t Want Love Anymore/Sink.Our. Souls.

For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I don’t want love anymore.

Clues in the title really.

Lyrics:

‘I don’t want love anymore,
I don’t want to waste my time thinking about who to adore,
I thought I was gripped by the weight you held on me,
But my minds been shifted,
A weights been lifted.

I choose to be free,
I choose to be free,
because,

I don’t want love anymore,
It’s crushing me, pushing me, down beneath the floor,
I refuse to crave for those who don’t deserve my affections,
I won’t ignore clear directions,
Cause I don’t want your love, anymore.

As I sat amongst the dead, I tried to clear my head, of thoughts of you.
It was clear to me, we need to bury this, so we can mourn, peacefully.

I choose to set you free,
I choose to set you free,
Because,

I don’t want love anymore,
It’s crushing me, pushing me, down beneath the floor,
I refuse to crave for those who don’t deserve my affections,
I won’t ignore clear directions,
Cause I don’t want your love, anymore.

Remember when you killed this?
You wrapped your hands around its neck, you watched it die.
I asked you for one last kiss, you gave me sweet nothing.
It meant just that. It meant just that.
And though you’ll leave with your head held high,
I think Ill stay just a little while, and wallow in the love we made.
I just wish you’d seen, that the gold and the greed, won’t satisfy those needs.
They can’t give you what I offer.

They can’t give you what I offer.

The wind has changed,
and the ship has sailed,

Because,

I don’t want love anymore,
It’s crushing me, pushing me, down beneath the floor,
I refuse to crave for those who don’t deserve my affections,
I won’t ignore clear directions,
Cause I don’t want your love, anymore.’

If you’ve known me for a while you’ll probably know that I’m a bit of a relationship hopper. A serial monogamist if you will. In the times that I am without a partner, I’ve usually been looking for one or had someone in mind. This year, this has stopped. After rather amicably splitting from someone at the end of last year, I tried to date. But I found that I couldn’t offer anyone what they were willing to offer me. I was burnt out. I asked myself, “Do you deserve what you desire?” With a heavy heart and a new found level of self honesty I had to reply, “… no.”

I think I always wanted someone to fix me. I always felt incomplete and I only ever felt fulfilled in a relationship. I needed affirmation; worthy of love and affection. If someone else loves me, I can’t be that bad right? But with the wonderful tool that is hindsight, I see my downfall. You can’t expect someone else to take responsibility for your own happiness. I had a conversation about this recently and my friend told me of a book that she was reading that had in it a table of one’s life. The table has different elements of ones life in it; career, social life, family, hobbies, relationship etc. If a person has put all their efforts into the relationship aspect, when it is taken away they are most devastated, because what else have they got left?

This phenomenon has led to some problems in my relationships. If a person wasn’t making me feel completely fulfilled I would often think that the relationship just wasn’t enough to make me happy. Which is ridiculous. I have had the privilege of meeting some wonderful people whilst dating, and to have the mindset that they couldn’t satisfy me is arrogant and idiotic.  The problem is me putting too much emphasis on that aspect of my life, as well as not putting enough effort to resolve my problems and build a more balanced lifestyle.

Another common trend is me staying in relationships longer than I should, or choosing to be with people who I most definitely are not compatible with. Even when I have been unhappy in a relationship, for quite sometime, I have been apprehensive to walk away. This has led to some overdue breakups, dragged out longer than an american drama series, with enough spectacle to write one. This song was me having a bit of a Whitney moment, trying to solidify my place as an independent wom…… man. That I wouldn’t let my fear of being alone let me stay in a relationship that drained me, and probably wasn’t good for either person involved. The lyrics are quite literal, another with a shroud of mystery is probably mention of some specifics, but I’ll leave them open to interpretation. However I would like to mention that if you ever see negative statements in lyrics, they usually are directed at myself…. usually being the key word here.

This leads nicely into the next song on the album, and therefore my next confession:

I’m Nate. and I’m incapable of being alone.

Sink. Our. Souls.

Lyrics:

‘Where do I start? This journey has no destination, a product of my isolation, a victim of procrastination.
I’d show empathy for my apathy, but it deserves no company.
You couldn’t satisfy me.
It wouldn’t satisfy me.

Impatiently I wait, it’s any minute now,
For all of this to fade, just don’t ask me how.
I will have my day, and ill wear my crown.
All of this ill reign. Another kingdom for a frown.

I will find where you are, and ill drag you down with me.
Don’t ask another question I can’t answer. Just step aboard and wave goodbye.

So where do we start? This journey has no obligations, a victim of my isolation, a product of the education. I’d show empathy for your treachery, but it deserves no company.
You couldn’t satisfy me.
You couldn’t satisfy me.

Impatiently I wait, it’s any minute now,
For all of this to fade, just don’t ask me how.
I will have my day, and ill wear my crown.
All of this ill reign. Another kingdom for a frown.

I will find where you are, and ill drag you down with me.
Don’t ask another question I can’t answer. Just step aboard and wave goodbye.

We’re sinking. We’re sinking. Oh my God we’re sinking. Abandon this broken ship.
Forget the women and children, moralities been forsaken. Come sink our souls.
Save yourself, save yourself, won’t you save yourself? Please let me drown.
I’ve sank every vessel I’ve boarded with all the hearts of which I’ve hoarded.
Come sink our souls.
The waves are made of concrete, the sharks tear flesh from our feet, the sky is darker than my intent. The water will be our grave, it’s not time to be fucking brave.
Save yourself, save yourself, won’t you save yourself? Please let me down.
The error of my ways will be washed away with the waves. Come sink our souls.

Come sink our souls.’

The lyrics here are quite different to the previous song. It is basically my realization that all my relationships were doomed to fail by my own admission. Nothing was ever going to satisfy me with the self deprecating mindset that I own.  The analogy of a vessel is the relationship itself, the water being time. The ship was always doomed to go the way of the titanic. If you go back and read the lyrics again after knowing the analogy, it might make more sense.

No ship is perfect. The water will sink them eventually, that is inevitable. But if one of the captains is steering it straight into a storm, it’s much more likely to find it’s way to the sea bed.

Basically I’m saying;

“Nate, sort your shit out before you sink another boat… you fucking smart-arse.”

You’ll be glad to know, I am trying in fact to sort my shit out. This is all part of the process, thanks for joining me.

I’ve had some really nice messages from different people regarding the music and the blog so far, which I greatly appreciate. Please continue to give me any feedback or comments through any means you wish. I was just today discussing the fact that it’s difficult for me to be objective about my own music, seeing as I put a lot of time into it and i’m emotionally attached. My friend put it rather more eloquently:

“Kinda like when you smell… but you don’t know it”

So if you think that bassline stinks like shit, please do let me know… ill try and wash it.

Join me next time when ill be discussing my drinking habits and trying to convince you, ‘There’s No Such Thing as a Dutch Coward’.

From your influence,
xxx

The Charlatan

For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

Welcome,

I’m Nate, and I’ve been in an abusive relationship.

The Charlatan:

Lyrics:

‘What’s your reason for my absence?
Apart from your obvious innocence,
Cause butter wouldn’t melt on the fire from that tongue.
It changes, so quickly from right to wrong,
Disguising the weak as the strong.
You’ve hidden for too long baby.

Deluded? Or Excuses? Take your pick.
The cleanest mirror couldn’t hold your reflection.
It’s hard to remember when you choose to forget,
so easily and so damn delicately.
You’re the charlatan

Excuses will make liars of us all,
And sometimes the proud won’t fall,
Evidently.
But with such integrity
I just couldn’t see,
The darkest colours stain the worst.

Deluded? Or Excuses? Take your pick.
The cleanest mirror couldn’t hold your reflection.
It’s hard to remember when you choose to forget,
so easily and so damn delicately.
You’re the charlatan.

I was your tourniquet, a present for that past,
Father forgive her, so that she can forgive you,
‘You provoke me.’ The words of a mother that beats a child.
But answer me this: Who carries the scars?
And though the next one will hear your truth,
How long before your words go and hit the roof?
You come undone, and you’re seeing red,
With an itchy trigger finger and a loaded bed,
If I saw you in the street and passed you by,
Would you see your shoulder and then wonder why?
There’s not one word written down in a letter,
although I have a few, I’m trying to be better.

You’re the charlatan’

Oh love. Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it the reason that we breathe? Life is meant for two, and there is no other feeling than finding somebody that we genuinely want to spend our time with. It’s an intense rush… sometimes too intense. We don’t want to lose it, so sometimes we grip too tightly, trying to hold on with everything we’ve got. The feeling turns to fear; fear to anger; anger to guilt. My advice if you find yourself in that situation: let it go.

I’m not here to hang out my dirty washing for all to see. I mean no disrespect to anyone who I have written about, and I try to only write things that are true, for if you can’t be honest with yourself…. But we must remember what one of my wise friends once told me; there’s what she said, there’s what he said, and then there’s what actually happened. It’s usually halfway between.

I’m not generally a confrontational person, I may talk a big game, but the thought of it sends my heart racing; i’m more flight than fight. Yet in my relationships I have been somewhat volatile, being the sensitive perfectionist that I am. I don’t like to be told when I’m in the wrong, and I can usually find an answer for everything. My tongue has often got me into more trouble than its worth. I am far from perfect, and sometimes I’m a fucking idiot. But I’m not sure I every said anything that was worthy of physical, verbal and emotional abuse.

There’s the twist ladies and gentlemen. Women are capable of domestic violence too.

I’d like to direct your attention to a video I recently saw:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/watch-how-people-react-when-they-see-a-woman-abuse-a-man-in

Isn’t violence in fact violence? Isn’t the intent to harm the problem? Why is it more acceptable for a woman to lose their temper and lash out? Are we not in an age where we scream for equality? I don’t know the statistics behind domestic abuse and the gender differences involved with them, but I’m willing to bet they are misleading. Mostly because I imagine most men who have found themselves in situations such as these feel emasculated and embarrassed just as i did.

The only reason this song was ever written was not actually because of my experiences. But because of a downright refusal to accept responsibility for the abuse. Not for the problems in the relationship, but the awful things that were said and done. “You provoke me” is a line I heard a lot… and one I repeat in the song preceding quite a bold claim.

The rest of the story is in the song if you care to pull it out. In a strange turn of events, I actually received a heartfelt apology after she heard this song; one which I accepted. I wish her nothing but happiness. It wasn’t who she was, it was a rage she occasionally personified. One that has hopefully subsided.

This was the first song I wrote for the album, and in many ways I think it sums up the new sound I am aiming for. I wanted the electronic elements to enhance my acoustic songwriting style. I love electronic music, but lyrics are just as important to me as the music, and I didn’t want that to over take the heart of the song.

Join me next time when I’ll be trying to convince you all that ‘I don’t want love anymore’.

As always, comments are appreciated in any form you so wish.

From your influence,
xxx

The Taste of Iron

Welcome,

I’m Nate, and I have problems with mental health.

There… I said it.

Ever since I was a child I remember looking in the mirror and not being satisfied with the person that was looking back at me. I’ve gone through so many self help books I’m sure I could write one, I’ve had counseling, a year of cognitive behavioral therapy, a brain scan and psychological testing… and I’m still at a loss with some of my problems. Despite chasing all these avenues, the only thing that has really ever helped me is writing music. I’m not a skilled musician, I’ve never had any lessons or formal education in music, in fact I didn’t pick up an instrument until I was 21. I’ve been in a couple of choirs and read a library of books on what I needed to know to create the sounds that were in my head. The product is ‘From Your Influence…’

I am a lucky lucky man. Make no mistake. I have a wonderful family, great friends and privileges that a lot do not. From Your Influence started as a testament to everything that has inspired me, mainly the people that I love. But it has become a sort of therapy for me. It’s one of the only places where I feel I can let myself go and actually be honest. I truly believe the best thing someone can do with negative energy is try and turn it into something that could be considered as positive.The latest result of this is my latest collection of songs entitled ‘The Taste of Iron’. It’s self indulgent, it’s rough around the edges, it’s dramatic and over the top, it’s the purest version of me you will find.

I want to share it with you. I want to share it with anyone who wants to listen. I’m sure there are people out there fighting their own battles, and if they could identify with the music, then maybe it could help them as it has me. Of course I have selfish reasons for sharing too, I want people to appreciate that this is something I have poured myself into. Something I have spent hundreds of hours writing, recording and tweaking. I want to make amends for my mistake, confess my transgressions and hopefully depart with some of the issues that have hung over me for so long.

If you care to take this journey with me then I thank you. You have my appreciation, gratitude and love for even taking an interest.

Bare in mind the songs are all demo’s. Think of them as a drafts. I would love some feedback. If you listen to a song and love one bit and hate another, tell me. I’ll take it into consideration in the final mix and credit you for the changes.

The albums subject content covers the following subjects:
Identity problems,
Domestic abuse,
Substance Abuse,
Sex addiction,
Insomnia/Hypersomnia,
Isolation/being incapable of being alone,
Lies,
Self torture/intrusive thoughts,
Depression,
Mania,
and Hope.

Hardly a pop record then.

My experience of these subjects may not be what you think it is from reading that list, so don’t be too quick to judge me before reading my description of the song covered in this blog.

The first song on the album set’s the mood, here it is:

Lyrics:

“I’m sick, there’s something inside me not quite right,
everything I have is now tainted with my spite.
So you, can take what you want and leave behind,
all the hatred that’s torturing my mind.
But don’t leave, there’s things here you really have to see,
Leave too soon and you’ll miss the worst of me.
Open your eyes, and look, don’t turn your head away,
these things you fear I suffer every day.

There’s nothing you can say to make it better,
Nothing you can do to change my mind,
I’m chasing the wrong kind of fixture,
I’m looking for something I just can’t find.

I know, you didn’t expect what I hide so well,
When you’re one of a kind who the fuck you supposed to tell,
So we can keep on pretending all is find,
Ill smile and laugh and keep it all inside,
Just know, this always has been, this always will be,
The never changing essence at the heart of me,
I know I deserve everything I get,
It’s self inflicted, don’t you ever forget.

I’ve bitten my tongue for far too long,
I’m hiding my self under false intentions,
The taste of iron fills my mouth,
I’m suffering from forced discretion,
I can’t deny this, I’ve got to stop hiding,
The more i’m trying I can feel myself dying,

I’m not who you think I am.”

Originally the album was going to be called, ‘The Taste of Iron from a thousand bitten tongues’. But I decided against it. Mostly because it sounds shit…. but also because I felt it was too obvious. The Taste of Iron is simply a statement that I feel the subject of mental health (my own and otherwise) still has a massive stigma attached to it. People are quite happy to share their stories of physical illnesses, but with mental health we all keep it locked away in our houses. Maybe we like it that way, it’s a nice place to visit when our ego needs boosting or squashing. But I think it’s about time we were more honest with it.

In 2005 after a bout of depression I visited my doctors and it was suggested that I may be bipolar. Essentially bipolar means you’re a bit more moody than the average person. You can have periods of depression and mania (an elated energetic mood). Anyone who’s known me more than a month can see I fit that description.

The song itself is trying to say how I feel about my mental condition. Day to day I just get on with life and try to ignore my negative/elated mindset. But from time to time, it does get the best of me. One day I can barely bring myself to get out of bed for thoughts of just how useless I am, and yet the next I could be arrogant, impulsive, productive… but reckless… with a disregard for anyone else or the consequences that follow. But they do follow, and often come back to haunt me sending me back into a depressive state. The cycle continues. It’s hard to swallow some of the guilt that comes with self inflicted problems. It’s also very hard to explain to somebody why I threw that plate out the window, or went on a 24-hour bender without getting in contact.
I’m a very silly boy at times.

Stephen Fry is quite open with his bipolar label, and he describes it wonderfully.But then again he does so with everything:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKiAz6ndUbU”

If you have listened to my music before you’ll notice this is quite different to the acoustic whine fest I usually write. It’s now a more of an electronic whine fest! Hoorah for technology! Allowing me to manifest my whining in different ways. I’ve always loved electronic music, in fact one of the first credible albums I owned was ‘Remedy’ by Basement Jaxx. A lot of the songs on this album have a heavy electronic spin on them, so if you’re not into that type of noise, you might not like it. But stick around, I do get my guitar out in the next song (not a euphemism, you filthy minded pervert).

Also like to winge? Feel free to share your comments here. Like to create art out of spoons? Great, link it in the comments below. Think that the base drum is too high in the mix? Share your constructive criticism with me and ill consider changing it before mixing the finished product with your name on the credits. But it’s probably those shit headphones you bought….

Until next time,

From Your Influence always,
Nate
XXX

The Taste of Iron.

For those of you who remember I started a blog a couple of years ago in order to promote some of the music that I made:

https://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/about/

Despite the blog being a side project to the music I wrote, it became quite popular among my friends. I would quite often get a text or a comment from people saying they enjoyed reading it. In some cases more than the music itself, which as an artist is quite the back handed compliment. But a compliment nevertheless.

However I got about 4 songs into the album and it stopped. I could make excuses and say life got in the way. But to be honest I didn’t make time for it. I didn’t make time for the music either. My priorities shifted and I was too busy living my life to stop to make a commentary on events of the past.

Since then life has had it’s up’s and down and several things have happened which have left me in a bit of a rut. Call it what you will but I guess I’ve of lost sight of who I am as a person.

Before you reach for the phone. This is not a cry for help. This is not an opportunity for me to wallow in self-pity and share stories of how hard done by I am. For that is not true, I am a very lucky man with family and friends of the highest caliber. But I guess I would say I’m going through a bit of a self improvement period. When you hit the bottom the only way is up, and up we shall go.

As someone who divulges in some sort of artistic creation I honestly believe that one of the best things you can do in life is turn an ugly experience or reaction into something beautiful. Every failure is an opportunity to try again and every time you despair it’s nice to surprise yourself by finding some piece of mind and a glimmer of hope.

The last time I released a series of songs that I had written I used the blog to explain the songs and try to get a little bit more exposure. This time I’ve decided to do the opposite. I’ve written an albums worth of songs and I intend to share the demos with you, give you a bit of a back story and gain some input from you… if you would be so kind. I thought it would be a nice opportunity for people to enhance the tracks with their creative ideas, and of course you’ll get a mention on the credits and be able to brag to everyone you know that you were an important part of shaping a song. Hell you can come round and sing/dance in the background or feature in a video if you want. Go crazy or go home people.

The album is entitled ‘The Taste of Iron’.

The whole concept of the album is to be brutally honest (to not bite ones tongue… the taste of blood in your mouth… from biting your tongue… blood has that iron like taste…. never mind). Brutally honest about my opinions and experiences of the past. But most of all, be brutally honest with myself. As with all of the music I write It is intend to be cathartic and therapeutic. I’m hoping that in writing about some of the things that have troubled me and continue to trouble me to this day, it will be a good opportunity to let them go and grow as a person..

Here is a demo of one of the tracks entitled ‘Sink. Our Souls.’
https://soundcloud.com/nate-rose/sink-our-souls

Throughout the upcoming months I’ll be sharing the demos and back-stories of the songs with you. Then I will wait for your input and feedback and take this on board ready to add this input record the finished songs (and please…. no Sax solos). Hopefully this will lead to an album worth of songs that I wrote and you changed. From your influence indeed….

If you’re reading this. Thank-you. You’re probably someone who I consider a friend and I dare say I care about you a great deal.

Onwards and upwards,

From Your Influence always,
Nate
xxx

The Dark Horse

Welcome,

In my opening blog I explained that I’ll be writing about each song I’ve written on my latest collection of songs entitled ‘Where the Seas Divide, That’s Where You’ll Find Me…’ If you would like some listening music while you read… may I suggest this:

http://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/where-the-seas-divide-thats-where-youll-find-me

At this point, if you find yourself reading this and thinking, “Who in the what now?” then may I direct you… here:

https://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/about/

Today I’ll be discussing the track ‘The Dark Horse’.

Here are the lyrics:

“The words fall from your mouth like litter in the wind,
the feeble ramblings of a fool.
If you could only see past discrepancy,
you’d find so much more to me,
so much more to me.

So now you look at me with such pitty in your eyes,
a gift I never have asked for.
If you could only see past my agony,
you’d find so much more to me,
so much more to me.

I welcome you with a warm embrace,
to peel my flesh and wear my face,
show me how wrongs make a right,
and use those eyes to give me sight.
Listen intently and tell me why,
your hands are that much cleaner than mine.
Pull me closer and breathe me,
We’re both the same beneath the skin.

I am your faith.
I am your pain.
I am your sorrow,
and a place for your blame.

There’s that much more to me.”

Depression is such a selfish state of mind. It makes us feel desperately alone.

“Nobody could understand just how hard my life is. No one could possibly understand what a struggle every my single waking moment is. Those problems of yours? I WISH I had such mediocre problems! MY problems are COLLOSAL, and have I absolutely no solution.”

I find it fascinating that we get to state of mind where our brain works against us. It wants us to suffer. To stew in self-indulgence until our fingers become prune like. The advice that we give to others, we do not take ourselves. For some reason, we seem to rate ourselves quite differently to everyone else and consequently are worthy of this guilt we put on ourselves. Please. Pull your self together.

I wrote this song about a time where I felt this way, and looking back now I don’t necessarily agree with myself. It was during the disolution of a relationship, and with that disolution can come a seperation of friendship groups. I remember feeling at the time, like my friends didn’t understand what I was going through. That people had turned against me, and were taking her side of the story. How dare they?! But I was stronger than that. I would take their pitty and contempt and use it to make myself stronger. For I had faith in myself, I felt their pain, I took their sorrow, and took ownership for their blame.

Truth is. What did any of that matter? When you are in disagreement with someone there’s always two stories to believe, and the facts come disguised by the grey area between them both. Judging by my attitude, I’m not surprised they took her side. This is why I label depression as selfish. It can’t see any of this. It only sees what it wants to see, and hears what it wants to hear. There’s absolutely no telling it. Problem is… everyone feels like that sometimes. Soon as I realised that (and it did take a while), I didn’t feel it nearly as often.

However, there is one part of the song I do agree with… if we take it out of context. Let’s do that shall we?

“I welcome you with a warm embrace,
to peel my flesh and wear my face,
show me how wrongs make a right,
and use those eyes to give me sight.
Listen intently and tell me why,
your hands are that much cleaner than mine.
Pull me closer and breathe me,
We’re both the same beneath the skin.”

We all want to feel necessary. We all want to feel special and unique. But truth is. Non of us are. We’re all the same. Sooner we realise that we’ll probably stop trying to diagnose every one of our emotions and get on with our stupid lives.

Let’s take our own advice, and give ourselves a bit of slack. We’ve all had times in our lives where we’ve had to be the bigger person and forgive someone for something when they probably didn’t deserve compassion as a response. So let’s do that for ourselves and let it go, and stop making our lives harder than they need to be.

Did you know that the rates of depression are higher in developed countries? I suspect a big part of this is because we love our statistics, and we hate our jobs. But just think about that for a second. Developing countries are rife with disease, starvation, political and religious dispute, homelessness. Developing countries lack, education, health service, food supplies, HMV and everything else we take for granted and complain about. If you get lethargic there and you don’t eat and you don’t live. So let’s get a little more proactive with our problems and a little less indulgent in our problems and we might just actually make it through til friday.

Please don’t take my ramblings as holier than thou. I’m mainly talking to myself. But its easier to digest if it’s aimed at an audience.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far. Next time I’ll be telling the story of how I earned my shame.

From Your Influence… as always.

Nate
xxx

They Never Raised a Statue for a Critic

Welcome,

In my opening blog I explained that I’ll be writing about each song I’ve written on my latest collection of songs entitled ‘Where the Seas Divide, That’s Where You’ll Find Me…’ If you would like some listening music while you read… may I suggest this:

http://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/where-the-seas-divide-thats-where-youll-find-me

At this point, if you find yourself reading this and thinking, “Who’s this guy and why should I care?” then may I direct you… here:

https://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/about/

Today I’ll be discussing the track ‘They Never Raised a Statue for a Critic’.

Here are the lyrics:

“You shut your mouth when you’re listening to me, I don’t need no sorry advice,
The words fall like a tattered book, when your silence would suffice,
Another fool with too much time, no knowledge of what they speak,
But still you feel the need to unconstructively critique,

We’re all running in the wrong direction,
We’re in the dark to what you know,
But maybe you’re missing the point,
Like a blind man shooting from a crooked crossbow,

Reserving, deserving, but never quite observing, the whole damn point of it all,
The mouth moves but there’s nothing to hear except the pride before your fall,
Don’t get me wrong, you might be right, opinion is more than welcome here,
But leave your ignorance at home, and pull your head from your fucking rear,

We’re all running in the wrong direction,
We’re in the dark to what you know,
But maybe you’re just plain wrong,
Like a loaf of bread trying to play the scarecrow,

So now you stand, with nothing to say and no witty comeback,
You’ve overestimated your abilities, not to mention my tact,
If you’re whats left you can’t be right, so let’s open up your mind,
Who knows what we’ll learn? Who knows what we might find,

We’re all running in the wrong direction,
We’re in the dark to what you know,
But maybe you should keep your tongue still,
Cause to me your words mean precisely… zero.”

When I first moved to Manchester, I had a dream. Manchester is a pretty cosmopolitan kinda place… so it wasn’t THAT dream, but it was a dream nevertheless. I wanted to be a musician. I didn’t want to be famous, I didn’t want to make music videos with ridiculous hats, and I certainly didn’t want to be one of THOSE that appeared on TV reality shows. I just wanted to write and play music. But the road is long, has many routes, and many people on it more talented than I.

When I wrote the first set of songs I deemed a reasonable standard, I started to perform to small crowds in pubs and clubs. When I say small, I really mean coincidental; I was there and so were they, and they certainly didn’t come to watch me, some people were even surprised I was there and wish I would shut the fuck up I’m sure, but I played anyway. As soon as you set foot on a stage, people seem to think that you want to hear their opinions. Unfortunately they are the kind of opinions that nobody wants to know. I can deal with the insults; I can deal with people not liking the music that I like; I am a much harsher critic than anyone could ever be of my own work. But what really grinds my gears is the mentality of a critic.

To me, music is art, and art is subjective. If I want objectives, I’ll repeat my inconclusive dissertation. I am more than happy to sit down with anyone and discuss any music that I write, and take into account thier opinions of different aspects of it… IF it is a discussion with well reasoned thoughts. “YOUR FUCKING SHIT MATE” is not any of this. It’s not even correct. Learn to use an apostrophe you idiot (a point that may be more valid if I didn’t have to google my own spelling of ‘apostrophe’… I was incorrect incase you were wondering).

I come to expect this on the few and far between times I do now perform, but it still happens to me in the safety of my own home. I love Youtube, don’t get me wrong, but the comments section makes me weep for the human race. Racism, sexism, prejudice and just pure hatred is rife on every single video. I’m not a politically correct freak, I know when a joke is a joke and I’m not easily offended, but honestly… put someone behind a computer screen and they become void of any kind of inhibition relating to self-preservation and neighbourly conduct. It’s disgusting.

I wrote this song after being a victim of some absent minded comments myself. I’d put some performances up on Youtube, recorded on quite a low quality camera, and a person thought it upon himself to write some silly little comments. In fact I’ll see if I can find them… bear with me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. no? Nevermind.

Here they are:

“Geez dude, get a tripod and a camera that works. Why do 98% of the videos on the tube suffer form poor video quality? How long did you practice the guitar? Maybe take 1 hour practice shooting usable video would be a good investment.

And no, it’s not artsy. Its just bad.”

And a second comment on a seperate video:

“Disturbingly bad video is a common theme in these videos.”

A thick skin seems to become more and more of a necessity as the world becomes more accustomed to the internet. But seriously, no one asked you to watch the video. No one asked for your opinion. The only reason the videos were on there were to share the MUSIC. Surprisingly I didn’t have a HD camera, Christopher Nolan’s phone number or Simon Cowell’s endless pockets at my disposal.

If somebody goes out of their way to do something that took them effort and time; whether that be creating music, painting a picture, making a meal, cleaning a house, playing a sport, why OH WHY can’t we admire the postive efforts someone has made rather than laugh at mistakes that the holier than thou bullshit people seem to wear more frequently than they do their cloak of pride.

For all that do create, please persevere. Please ignore the mindless opinions of those who talk but do not do. Not to prove them wrong, not to prove it to the world, but just for yourself. Seek pleasure in what you do, and be proud of your achievements, no matter how ‘small’ they may appear to others.

Now that I’ve pretended that I’m a bigger person than I am, I’d like to disclose that the person who commented on my video’s Youtube account is “LivengoodScott” (http://www.youtube.com/user/LivengoodScott), and I will be sending him the link to this blog, to let him know, that he is in fact one of my influences. Based on those 2 comments, he is everything that I aspire not to be.

(If you’re reading this Scotty boy, you put ‘form’ instead of ‘from’)

Thanks for joining me on my rant.

Next time I’ll be supporting the underdog whilst discussing “The Dark Horse”

From Your Influence…
xxxx

The Ballad of John Marston

Welcome,

In my opening blog I explained that I’ll be writing about each song I’ve written on my latest collection of songs entitled ‘Where the Seas Divide, That’s Where You’ll Find Me…’ If you would like some listening music while you read… may I suggest this:

http://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/where-the-seas-divide-thats-where-youll-find-me

At this point, if you find yourself reading this and thinking, “Who’s this guy and why should I care?” then may I direct you… here:

https://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/about/

Today I’ll be discussing the track ‘The Ballad of John Marston’.

Here are the lyrics:

He rides hard through the city of lies, past the filth, the disgrace, all there’s to despise.
Trying hard not to catch their stare, head down, guard up, a victim of despair.
His mission’s strong, objectives clear, find the culprits and cut them ear to ear.
This ends tonight… that much is clear.

What happens when a lover’s forced to fight?
Will two wrongs make this right?
Not rhetorical, just historical martyrs are made here tonight.

They took his flesh, they took his soul, so now his actions are beyond control.
Rage knows no calm… no calm.

Look to the back to avoid the attack, and brace yourself for initial contact, it’s coming, and there’s nothing you can do.
You’ve slipped these chains for far too long, praying on the weak though you are strong.
It’s here, and now you’ll pay.
Pay with what you claim to be your life, suffer my pain, and suffer my knife.
Reap exactly what you’ve sown, as an end comes to what you know.

It’s here, it’s finally here. And there’s nothing… there’s nothing… there’s nothing you can do.

Let’s get this straight: contrary to popular belief… I’m not a cowboy. If I was in a western film, I certainly wouldn’t be cast as the revenge driven psychopath, hell bent on serving some swift justice to his enemies. I’d probably be cast as a cactus based on my previous roles in school drama productions. This song is loosely based around the character John Marston from the game ‘Red Dead Redemption’ (who is fact a cowboy), which tells the tale of a man forced to hunt his former outlaw pals due to the fact that his family are being held hostage by the government.

I didn’t want to tell the same tale as the game, but I thought it was important to make a direct reference to it in the title. I don’t like to reproduce art… and I maintain that video games such as this… are in fact art. Writing a song as tribute to it seemed like a more adaptive response than the… shall we say… alternative that so many skeptics tend to blame on art containing violence. When something grasps us and engages us into its universe, I think it’s important to take inspiration from it, no matter what that is. Unless you’re a fruitcake… in which case you really shouldn’t be watching ‘Hostel’ for the third time this morning.

With the song I really wanted to personify rage and revenge. Revenge is an interesting concept to me, I actually believe that it takes a bigger man to forgive than to do something wrong intentionally as a response. As for uncompetitive malicious violence, I suggest that it may be a tad unevolved to ‘solve’ problems by throwing your weight about. But notions such as these don’t write an ass kicking rock song now do they? If I were to have shared these notions in the western days, I would imagine Clint Eastwood to be calling me on my luck.

The lyrics tell the tale and I tried to pace the song to the story, with the guitar strumming representing the gallop of the horse as he rides with dark intentions. His rage fueling him and gradually being released after the calm before the storm at 3.59. The outro represents him actually acting on his intentions, and I had originally thought of recording a ferocious, blood-curdling scream at the start of the section. Unfortunately, when I listened to it, it wasn’t as blood-curdling as I’d hoped… it sounded more like the guy’s spurs had accidently pierced his scrotum as he dismounted his horse and caused him to scream like the girl he had made of himself. So I cut it.

Whilst talking about the song, a friend made reference to it by exclaiming, “Oh… the one with all the weird noises at the start?” Don’t get me wrong… I am especially fond of weird noises… but there is a point to these ones, a point that perhaps wasn’t quite as sharp as I’d hoped. At the start of the song, about 15 seconds in, you’ll hear a gasping sort of noise. In my head, the guy had been left for dead and thrown in a body of water in the attempt to hide the evidence… but he had survived and in that part of the song he is emerging from the water.

Being an artist, I commited myself to this concept and decided to drown myself… a little bit. I fetched the water bowl from the sink, filled it with water, set up the microphone just outside the range of the water (safety is essential when trying to drown oneself) and put my head in it. I then kept it there for as long as my will would let me and you can hear the gasp of a mad man on the track. It actually took a couple of tries as I was not satisfied with the desperation in my voice in the first two or three attempts. Apparently my creative self was not satisfied until it heard the gasp of a man desperate for air. What a ridiculous crime scene it would have made had I pushed it too far. Imagine my delight when my efforts were described as ‘weird noises’. “What kind of idiot makes random noises at the start of a serious track?” I thought to myself. What kind of idiot indeed. A genius drowns himself.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, next time I shall be protesting statues raised to critics.

From Your Influence,
Nate
xxx

Where the Oceans Part…

Welcome,
In my opening blog I explained that i’ll be writing about each song I’ve written on my latest collection of songs entitled ‘Where the Seas Divide, That’s Where You’ll Find Me…’ If you would like some listening music while you read… may I suggest this:

http://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/where-the-seas-divide-thats-where-youll-find-me

If at this point you find yourself reading this and thinking “Err…. what?” then may I direct you… here:

https://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/about/

About two years ago I wrote a song with the lyrics:

‘Where the seas divide, that’s where you’ll find me,
where the oceans part, that’s where i’ll be’

But after listening to it a couple of times, it was a little bit… really bloody miserable. So I cut it out. That’s the problem being a songwritter; sometimes its a vent for all your anguish, but when you actually reflect on it, it’s not a good song. However I liked the lyrics, and that line in particular stayed with me.

The title track entitled ‘Where the Oceans Part’ is really just an ambient piece to set the mood of the album. At about 17 seconds into the song in question, and repeating after that, you’ll hear a voice saying something. If you want to play a super fun game you can listen and try and guess what I’m saying without looking at the answer below.

No?
Fair enough.

It’s actually saying ‘Who am I?’ ‘Where the Seas Divide, That’s Where You’ll Find Me…’ is actually a statement on how I find myself quite frequently battling with my opinions, beliefs and consequently my identity. Whenever I engage in an opinionated conversation with someone more intelligent and charasmatic than myself (which is more often than you’d hope) I quite often find myself questioning just why I believed in what I did previously.

Imagine a heated debate involving crowds vocalising two opposite opinions…

Got it?
Good.

Now look in the middle. That guy on the fence? That’s me.

I would suggest I’m thinking, “I see your point.”

Not to say that I’m totally suggestable… lets call it open minded. But maybe too open… if there is such a thing. Subsequently I find myself craving a little more passion from myself, a little more forthcoming maybe. Who am I? No bloody clue.

This was the whole focus surrounding not only this opening track, but the album in its entirety. I try to keep a diary throughout the recording process to keep my thoughts focused. Here is an extract from part of it at the start:

11/08/2012

Who am I?

…maybe I should put less emphasis on answering rhetorical questions, then I wouldn’t feel like such a fucking idiot most of the time. It’s not that i’ve tried to make life difficult for myself, but I certainly haven’t made it easy either. After struggling to find some sense of personal identity for so long, its only natural that I would turn to a constant in my life, a friend if you will, that has always been there to share its knowledge and waste hours of my life through stories of no real substance.

Unfortuantely top link ‘youtube’ had selected to answer my question wasn’t what I had in mind. I had to suffer one minute of self righteous cliche ridden bullshit that I should have expected. “You catch me when I fall” he sang, “I am a quickly fading flower” he sang, “I am yours” he sang. “Fuck off” I thought.

Half-way through the Opreah “Who am I meant to be?” quiz it dawned on me that I was answering ‘sometimes’ to an awful lot of these multiple choice questions. The answer section lost me when it suggested I had come out of the womb with a paintbrush in hand and a t shirt that said ‘I know exactly who I am’, when actually I came out arse first, blue and surprised at the early nature of my departure. Clearly this wasn’t my day. 10 minutes later I was watching ‘top ten jerks in video games’ narrated by some guy who thought he was a lot funnier than he was.

I’m not a bad guy. I generally try to go out of my way to help people, and I mostly have good intentions. I’ve made some bad decisions and hurt some people, but not in a malicious way, mainly due to putting my own immediate desires first and not considering the consequences. Consequently I’ve harboured a lot of guilt for these decisions, even in cases where I’ve been forgiven…

There’s nothing I will gain from trying to answer my past. But what I can do, is try and better myself and find out exactly who I am.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve no fucking clue how I’m gonna do it… but I am gonna do it. I’m sick of feeling inferior next to other people. I’m sick of spending my time admiring others and never being admired. I’m sick of feeling hollow. I’m sick of chasing after a temporary buzz. I am going to feel satisfied and good about myself.

But first I’m going to play a video game…
 

And that’s the day before I started recording. I think when we create something, we pour so much of ourselves into it that its hard not to find answers regarding our identities.

During the creative process this time, i’ve brought up the question with a lot of different people, and found that actually, I’m not the only one. Maybe we all have to change ourselves constantly to coincide with everything that life throws at us. Maybe it doesn’t matter who you are. What am I gonna do? Write a template of who I am and stick to it every single day. Cat woman reckons shes ‘adaptable’. Maybe I too… but in a less obviously sexy way.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Next time i’ll be discussing ‘The Ballad of John Marston”.

If you care to share any thoughts, please do below. Or on Facebook at

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/From-Your-Influence/116048838445120

Take Care,
xxx