Hollowed

Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:

http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/

But otherwise…

I’m Nate, and I suffer from depression.

Hollowed:

Lyrics:

‘I’m finally face to face with my sadness,
Contorting and twisting my madness.
I stab myself and open the wound,
My happiness leaks out,
I look at my reflection but I don’t recognise who’s there.
Just an empty shell of a man I once was proud of, someone no-one could ever love
just hollow eyes, and a matching hollow soul.
I’d rethink the location of my harm if I wasn’t convinced that I deserved such misery
That death was far too kind for me,
So Ill suffer myself until I find something worth my pain,
something worth the heartache,
Something I can call my own.

I fucking hate you,
Just look at you.
Look what you’ve become.
A slave to your demons.
They’ve beaten you.
They’ve left you empty.
So embrace their nature,
and scream your welcomes.
There’s places I’ve been I wish no-one to see,
There’s feelings I feel I wish only for me.
There’s places I’ve been I’ve made only for me.
There’s feelings I feel I wish only for me,
There’s places I’ve been I wish no-one to see.

These feelings I feel I wish only for me.’

My last blog for the previous album stopped when I talked about depression. I spoke about it in quite a unemphatic manner. Stating that we should be more proactive in our lives, be thankful that we live in a developed country with choices and that our problems are trivial. That’s all very good and well in theory, but the problem is; depression doesn’t care about that.

It doesn’t care about what you have, or how lucky you are. It doesn’t care about your choices, advantages and privileges. It doesn’t care about the family and friends you have around you, the house you have and the things you own. All it cares about is what you have lost, what you don’t have and just how useless, pathetic and worthless you are. I think to a certain degree we all have our ups and downs, but I think certain people are more susceptible to the lows. I know my emotional threshold is quite low; I get down quite easily and quite often. That I can deal with, but when I get really low… well, you read the lyrics.

I am a very lucky man. I have friends and family of the highest caliber, and I know that they are there for me at any time I need them. Quite often when I talk about my lows people tell me I should have rang them, or let them know somehow. I always respond the same way, “I know, but I never will”. The state of mind would never allow me to. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t even want to get out of bed, I just want to sleep and stop my brain reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made, of how worthless I am, and how the future is looking even worse than the past. I can’t speak for everyone’s experience of it, as I am sure everyone experiences it differently. But when I feel low, I feel chained to the ground, everything is nigh on impossible, even the thought of making a meal or making a phone call seems unachievable. My personality feels drained and everything seems grey. Nothing I love seems to bring me any joy and everyone seems like an enemy. It really is a horrible and desperate state of mind.

I wrote this song in one of my more recent lows. It wasn’t even meant to be a song. That was the only thing I did that day. I woke up, lay in my bed for most of the day, wrote that, and then lay waiting until I was tired again with all of that going through my head. For any of you fellow geeks out there. The term ‘hollowed’ I stole from one of my favourite video games series (‘Dark Souls’):

It’s a terribly challenging (but rewarding) experience that is dark, depressing and seems impossible to progress at times. You have to really work hard to make baby steps in this game. But when you do, boy does it give you a buzz. The games to me became a little bit of an analogy for depression itself because of what I have just mentioned it, in fact when playing the latest edition to the series I thought to myself “If I can beat this bloody game I can do anything!”. To my surprise I beat it. I was ecstatic. But after the credits rolled. I was returned to the starting area with a new challenge ahead of me “New game plus” (for all you non geeks out there… that is the equivalent of realizing your Dad was letting you win all those years). I laughed, almost manically, at the realisation. I’m never going to beat depression, it’s always going to come back bigger and stronger. But I need to do the same.

A lot of people have been outspoken recently about the coverage of the death of Robin Williams. A few people were in the opinion that he was selfish to take his own life because of depression, and it surprised me and made me happy to see that people defended him. Here was a man who quit drinking, drugs, went through rehab, had a phenomenally successful career (most of which involved making people happy) and did a LOT of work for charity. That to me, is a successful life. I applaud him, everything he he did, every mistake he made and every time he beat depression. However, it scares me that in the end, it beat him. Let’s remember him for what he did, what he achieved and what he was:

I’m sure a lot of you that have read these blogs or heard my music will have considered how self indulgent it all is, this album in particular. But you must understand, I’m trying everything I can not to let my condition dictate my life. I try to direct it all into something artistic, something that maybe people can appreciate and identify with. Something that I can get lost in for hours and rather than wallow in my sadness all day long I can try to create something out of it. Yes it’s miserable, inaccessible, rough around the edges and it will never be popular, revered or make me famous. But it is a piece of me. A battle I won and I want to celebrate that with you. Ill always make music; not because I want to make money off it or be in the spotlight, but because I have to. I need to. I wouldn’t be here without it. So thanks for listening and reading.

Please keep the comments coming in any form you wish. I am grateful for all the messages and support I’ve received whilst working on the album/blog.

Join me next time when I’ll be discussing things that can’t be unseen.

As always,

From your influence,

xxx