Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:
http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/
But otherwise…
I’m Nate, and I have an addictive personality.
Shame:
This one has a (low budget) video if you’re interested:
Lyrics:
“I’m addicted to the shame, though avoiding all the blame.
It takes over all I do, in this moment all I need is you.
I need you to make me feel alive, give some meaning to my life.
Come and take away my pain, come give reason for my shame.
Just know that this lust is the reason I’m breathing.
Temptation takes over, it’s got it’s claws in me, and it’s aching for release.
Come give reason for my shame.
You know damn well I’ll find a way, to try and hide it all away,
cover with more of the same, but i’m the one who’s suffering.
It’s something I can’t seem to change, so just let me have my way,
Come and take away my pain, come give reason for my shame.
Just know that this lust is the reason I’m breathing.
Temptation takes over, it’s got it’s claws in me, and it’s aching for release.
Come give reason for my shame.
And when all is said and done, when all the lust has gone,
I’m naked and alone with nothing and no one,
I’m cradled like a child, with nothing left inside,
There’s nothing left to hide when you’ve gone and lost your pride.
So come treat me like a whore, it’s all I’m good for,
Add to my pain, come give reason for my shame.
Come give reason for my shame.”
I studied psychology at university, and one of the modules I studied was regarding addictive behaviours. The lecturer opened by telling us that addiction is a term that is over used. That to be addicted to something your body had to be dependent on it, so therefore you couldn’t be addicted to chocolate for instance, because your body would never be chemically dependent on that. An interesting point, but misguided I do believe.
For everything there is a reaction. Surely when we do something pleasurable we receive a rush of pleasure due to the chemical reactions in our brain? Endorphin’s released, adrenaline fix, serotonin overload. This can lead to conditioning in our behaviour. We all want to be happy. We all want the biggest reward for the least possible effort, at least for the short term.
I very easily get consumed by things. Whether it be a T.V. series, a new video game, a new relationship, a drink or something a little stronger. I always have done. I spent my G.C.S.E. revision time racking up 100’s of hours on Final Fantasy X. I watched prison break in one setting. The first day I played a guitar I played it for 10 hours until my fingers were raw and I couldn’t move them. The first time I fell in love it was ALL I could think about, for the entire 4 months…. and 2 years after.
However in recent years there have been few things that I have found myself consistently consumed by. One is music; I spend hours upon hours pouring everything I have into these songs for no real reward except a sense of personal satisfaction. When I start my mind is completely devoured by it; I forget to eat, I don’t look at my phone, I’ve been known to begrudge going to the toilet… thankfully that is my limit. Nobody wants to read the blog entry where I discuss the time I accidentally shat myself whilst perfecting that drum beat (or more likely, everyone wants to read that entry… WELL IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN)!.
The other thing that I’ve found myself consumed by is… well lets just say lust is my sin. The lyrics of the song explain what I want to say about this really. Once desire hits you it’s quite easy to shelf your principles to one side in order to get what you want. That is until your desire has been met, and you’re left feeling empty and very much alone.
The song is named after the film of the same name. Which I feel really shows the effects of addiction, even to something that may be seen as trivial. I recommend you check it out:
Don’t be thinking I’m labeling myself as a sex addict here. I have never considered myself as fully addicted to anything. I’ve always managed to pull myself back from going too deep. But I’ve had my moments. I’ve earned my shame.
Making mistakes is fine. It’s how we learn. But when we make the same mistake repeatedly, well… shame on me. What’s worse is when we lie about our mistakes… something that I’m not proud to say I’ve done.
Join me next time when I’ll be telling you what the truth is.
As always,
From Your Influence.
x x x
fromyourinfluence 