Welcome,
For anyone who missed my previous posts explaining the purpose of this blog, you may want to start here:
http://fromyourinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/07/06/the-taste-of-iron-2/
But otherwise…
I’m Nate, and I am bipolar.
This Will Never Stop:
Lyrics:
“This will never stop.
The journeys everlasting,
This road was made for testing,
Everything I am.
I’m standing at the bottom trying to plan my path,
The hill is so steep, should I cry or laugh?
A sudden urgency becomes me,
I can see the way so clearly,
I drop the weight and then I start to run,
This is how I lose control, have I have my fun,
Just you try to keep up.
This is where I was always meant to be,
Suddenly I’m free from pain and misery
This will never end,
At last the great ascend,
Let it run it’s path
Lets run this path,
Lets run this path down.
The winds against me but I keep my stride,
There’s nothing to fear now, nothing to hide,
Everything seems slow when you’re moving so fast,
You gotta keep up the pace if nothing ever lasts,
Don’t you try to warn me, don’t you tell me stop,
I’ve done this before and I’m going to the top,
You can try to chain me, try to shame me,
try to blame me for the way that I am.
There’s no slowing down once I’ve begun,
There’s no consequence for all that I’ve done.
This is where I was always meant to be,
Suddenly I’m free from pain and misery
This will never end,
At last the great ascend,
Let it run it’s path
Lets run this path,
Lets run this path down.
It’s all good and well til I go too high.
Confusion sets in and all I hear is why.
Standing on the edge, I’m on uncertain ground,
I realise I’ve lost more than I’ve found,
I can never go back, I tore it all down,
While I laughed and I commanded,
I destroyed and I demanded,
I’m on the edge and I’ve lost my grip,
I bow my head and I prepare to slip.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.
It’s time to start again.
I know this will never stop.”
I woke up on Saturday morning to a phone call of a friend. I was still intoxicated from the night before and confused to why he was ringing me. I assured him was fine and quickly ended the phone call before discovering I had woke up in a pool of my own blood, I checked myself for injury and found that my foot had been cut by something. I looked at my phone to see it had numerous messages and missed calls from many different people. I don’t know why, but I thought it was hilarious. I lay there laughing manically covered in red before struggling to make it to my feet to start clearing up the mess I had made the previous night. I crawled down stairs and made it into my study where I found my clothes, and a shoe wet with my blood. I sat there, and the laughs turned to sobs as I tried to piece together what I had done.
The day previously we had gone for drinks with the members of my work I can actually stand, and we had laughed, drank, eaten and it had been a good night. It ended with me putting the other last survivor into a taxi and me saying I was going home. But of course I didn’t.
I’d like to tell you exactly what I did. But I’m not a trustworthy witness. What I do know is this:
1) I drank more alcohol,
2) I sent a ‘poetic’ (or idiotic) message to my work crew about all that is wrong with the education system, and then told them to fuck off when they didn’t respond in the way I wanted them to
3) I wandered the streets/bars of Manchester for 4 hours.
4) I stood on a piece of glass which went through my shoe and into my foot.
5) I walked home with said piece of glass repeatedly cutting my foot.
6) I wrote myself a series of abusive messages for myself to read when I woke up.
Of course this is all a lot to do with the effects of alcohol. But my life generally revolves around a cycle of me doing this kind of thing. Something like this:
Too much alcohol > reckless insomniac manic > feelings of guilt and shame for what I’ve done whilst manic > ruminating on this guilt > a downward spiral into feelings of worthlessness > hypersomnia to escape the self torture of my own brain > wanting to kill myself > loss of identity > reevaluation of life > trying to start again with a healthy lifestyle.
Then it all starts again. This will never stop.
I try to manage it, but I don’t handle stress very well. I’m not very resilient. This song is about this very process and my acceptance that this is the way I am. The first half of the lyrics how I feel when I am manic, eventually getting to the point where I realise there are in fact consequences to my selfish actions and slip into a depression.
I don’t expect people to understand, but it’s taken it’s toll on me. I’ve tried everything I can (besides the medication, which I refuse to take) to manage it, but because a lot of it is internal I’ve become quite good at hiding away and hiding how i’m feeling. Hence why I’ve tried to be so brutally honest with this album.
This set of 14 songs has been my project for the past two years. I’ve done some serious soul searching and tried to reveal every one of my demons within the music. The songs are purposefully in the order in which the cycle of my life has become and the last noise on the album is identical to the first to indicate the fact that it is in fact a cycle.
And it’s finally finished.
I present to you:
The Taste of Iron.
https://fromyourinfluence.bandcamp.com/album/the-taste-of-iron
It is completely free. Just enter the price of which you want to pay for it. If you feel it’s worth something then that’s great, any money I make from this, I put back into the music I make, so if you are a fan and you want to fund the next album, that is a way to do it.
Rather than pay for it though. I’d rather you do something else for me. Just listen to it. Just make some time to put it on and listen to the album as a whole. It’s intended to be heard in one sitting. I know you’re all very busy, but maybe on a commute or a walk/run. Even better, if you actually like it, share it with a friend… or hell all of your friends on Facebook.
I hope you enjoy it. I’d like to say I enjoyed making it… but it’s almost killed me :P.
Almost…
I’d like to share with you some numbers:
While I’ve been sharing the songs they have been played over 800 times.
The blog has been viewed 541 times from over 11 different countries.
I’m not quite sure how that has happened. But I thank you for reading/listening and sharing. You’re ever so kind.
I’ve got some ideas for my next project. But I can’t say how long it will take before I’m ready to reveal. I’m gonna take some time off first.
Until then,
From your influence,
Nate Rose.
x
fromyourinfluence 